The Mysteries of The Vulnerary
by abyssjoey
Summary: Vulneraries. There are many mysteries among them, and the tactician Jenro plans to solve them all. Tactician's Mysteries Series.


Tactician Jenro and the Vulneraries

The Stories About The Mysteries of The Vulnerary

The tactician Jenro answers age old FAQs on vulneraries. How come they disappear after 3 uses? How is a vulnerary applied? Could a vulnerary be used in one go to heal 30 hp? Could a vulnerary heal anything—from burns, lance stabs, and whatever? And why can't a person use a vulnerary on someone else?! Find out the mysteries.

"Rebecca!! Use your vulnerary on Lowen, will 'ya?!"

"I can't!!"

It was dreadful. The tactician Jenro thought Rebecca was too annoying, because she didn't want to use a vulnerary on Lowen.

"Lowen is dying, can't you see?!" Jenro shouted to Rebecca.

Rebecca turned to Lowen and an axe is stuck in his stomach.

"But…I just can't!" Rebecca said, feeling tense, "It's just not possible!"

"Rebecca, if you would just listen to what I--how can it be impossible?! You just pull the axe from his stomach and apply the ointment and-"

"I just can't do it!" Rebecca said again.

Then, a superhero appears to break the argument between the two! It's a pegasus knight…it's a wyvern knight…no it's…

SERRA THE FRIKKIN' NOISY CLERIC!!

"Hee hee! I am here, and there's nothing to worry about anymore! Any fights, any arguments, the talented and beautiful Serra can handle it! Hee hee hee!!" Serra shrieked with her piercing voice that made pegasus knights fall from the skies.

"Serra, heal Lowen!" Jenro instructed Serra. Serra followed.

In a flash, the axe was gone and Lowen who had 1 hp left was completely healed.

"Thank me!!" Serra shouted, and shook her booty together with Lowen.

"Thank you, Serra." Jenro said, "But I still can't see why Rebecca couldn't use a vulnerary on Lowen."

"I just can't…I'm sorry." Rebecca said.

"Help! Help!" A far-away paladin shouted in the midst of battle. It was Marcus, the old dude.

"What is it, you old Marcus?!" Jenro shouted, as if scolding him.

"It was my vulnerary! It disappeared after I used it 3 times! Even the bottle…it's gone!"

"What!? How could that be possible…it defies the law of nature in every way." Jenro said, stupefied.

"And I was supposed to turn it into a wine bottle the next time Lord Eliwood and I would drink…" Marcus said, pouting.

"Stop crying, you baby." Jenro said, "And Eliwood knew how to drink?! I thought he only drank milk and juice or whatever! But that vulnerary intrigues me…hmmm, I bet Matthew swiped it from you when you weren't looking. It'd be best if I checked on him."

Jenro checked on Matthew and saw him on a fort, doing absolutely nothing. Probably waiting for him to be healed automatically…?

"What vulnerary? Those bottle things? Are you accusing me of stealing _that_?" Matthew said after Jenro asked him about the missing vulnerary bottle, raising an eyebrow.

"You're the only thief in here." Jenro said.

"What could I do with an empty vulnerary bottle?" Matthew asked.

"Matthew, the bottle is made of gold."

"I didn't…know that before! You just gave me a brilliant idea." Matthew said.

"So, it wasn't you then?"

"Of course not. But it just might be me in the future, now that I know those things are made out of gold."

"Hmmm…if it wasn't you, then Marcus probably dropped it or something." Jenro said, and he walked away.

"…Bartre, what do you think you are doing with that vulnerary?" Jenro asked Bartre, after he just got sliced by a bandit.

"Bartre gonna splash it on himself!!" Bartre said, and almost splashed it on him, but Jenro stopped him. How he did that was beyond understanding.

"Bartre, that's nuts!" Jenro said, slapping his forehead.

"No, it's not, it's a vulnerary!" Bartre said.

"No, I didn't mean that, I was pointing at what you were supposed to do seconds ago." Jenro said, and then grabbed the vulnerary from Bartre's hand, "Let's see…are there any directions on how to apply this thing?"

"Bartre sees nothing." Bartre said, scratching his head.

"Hmmm…this vulnerary baffles even the most brilliant of minds. Such logic I cannot handle." Jenro said, puzzled by the mysteries of the vulnerary.

"Come and see this theory I've come up with, Jenro." Eliwood said.

"What is it, weakest lord in all of Fire Emblem?" Jenro replied.

"Oh, I was thinking of the vulnerary…my theory states that if someone drank the whole bottle of vulnerary, he could gain 30 hp in one go, unlike the usual low 10 hp the vulnerary does."

"Hmmm…good theory," Jenro said, "I don't know, but some guys should try to drink the whole bottle of vulnerary, so they wouldn't bother to use the much expensive elixir."

"And so that they wouldn't bother to drink it in 3 turns just to have themselves fully healed." Eliwood stated.

"Yeah. Good point. Good point." Jenro said, nodding, "That was actually a very clever theory the weakest lord could state."

"Dorcas."

"Oh. Jenro."

"Hmm…I see you have a wound on your leg." Jenro said, arms crossed over his chest, "You should use a vulnerary on it, or I'll get Serra—no that's a bad idea."

"No, actually…I was thinking if…I could use this vulnerary on Natalie so that she could walk again." Dorcas replied.

"I see…I don't know, but the miraculous powers of the vulnerary could heal just about anything, as I have analyzed," Jenro stated, "I've seen a lance stuck at Sain's heart a year ago, and he used only a vulnerary to heal it."

"How…miraculous. Miraculous indeed." Dorcas agreed.

"And one time, Hector was burnt by a Fire spell, but again, he used only the vulnerary to cure all the burns." Jenro stated.

"How wonderful. The vulnerary is…amazing. I bet Natalie could be healed by it." Dorcas said, smiling.

"Yeah…this vulnerary has a lot of mysteries. Such components that could heal every disease all could name." Jenro said. As he spoke, the mysteries of the vulnerary became deeper and deeper.

"Ugh!!" Hector shouted, gasping for breath. "I'm gonna die!! Somebody heal me!! I don't have a vulnerary!!"

Jenro heard Hector's S.O.S. to all mankind. He, as the tactician, had to do something so that Hector wouldn't die.

"Serra, Hector's in grave danger!!" Jenro shouted to Serra, but Serra was busy shaking her booty and wooing Bartre, Lowen and Marcus.

"Anyone, Hector's in trouble!" Jenro kept on shouting, "Somebody!"

Matthew was busy sitting on a fort, Eliwood was inside a house, drinking milk inside someone's house, Dorcas, was busy fighting with the remaining enemies...

"Um…Jenro?" a timid voice came from behind Jenro.

"Oh, Rebecca! Nice timing, do you have a vulnerary that _I could use on Hector_??" Jenro asked the archer. The moment Jenro said that he would use the vulnerary on Hector, Rebecca was stupefied.

"I…I don't think you could…" Rebecca said.

"But, don't you see?! Hector is in danger out there, and no one wants to save him, so _I'm going to at least heal him with that vulnerary_, okay?" Jenro insisted.

"But, you can't--"

"REBECCA!" Jenro shouted, leaving Rebecca speechless. Rebecca just followed Jenro's orders and handed out her vulnerary to him.

"Thank you very much." Jenro said, and rushed for Hector.

"Hector!"

"Oh, Jenro! Save me! I'm being eaten! Help me, my hero!!"

"Don't worry, I shall come to you and save you and _use this vulnerary on you_--!!"

"Jenro? No! Don't!!" Hector shouted.

Time stopped.

"Huh? What in Fire Emblem's name happened?" Jenro said looking all over the place. Hector stopped moving, the enemies stopped moving, Eliwood stopped moving, Serra stopped shaking her booty, Marcus, Lowen and Bartre stopped moving, Dorcas stopped fighting, Rebecca stopped moving, and Matthew stopped moving (even if he wasn't moving and was just waiting to be healed automatically).

"Jenro," a voice out of nowhere spoke. Then, there was a bright light out of nowhere again, and a sexy woman came in full-view. (Don't put your hopes up, it wasn't Lucius.)

"Huh?" Jenro heard the voice calling for his name, and was stupefied to find a sexy woman dressed in tactician's clothes. And then he recognized her.

"It's the Goddess of Fire Emblem Tacticians!!"

"You, shall not use a vulnerary on another person," the Goddess said, "It is stated on the _Law._"

"Wh-what?! But that's just ridiculous! How could I _not_ use a vulnerary on a wounded companion!!" Jenro said, but suddenly, time resumed to its normal state again.

"Now come on, Jenro, hand me the vulnerary or I'm toast!" Hector shouted.

Jenro was stupefied, but he handed the vulnerary to Hector. He looked around—Serra was shaking her booty to the 3 duds again, Eliwood was still at the house, and Matthew was still on the fort doing nothing.

"That was weird." Jenro said, "The vulnerary is such a mysterious object."

**THE END.**

"Wait, Hector, where is Oswin?" Jenro asked Hector.

"Hmm…Oswin? I think he went out to shop for vulneraries. We're running low on stock, you know."

"**WHAT?!**"

A.N.:

Tada! The mysteries of the vulnerary! Hope you liked it, and thanks a mile to **kageshoujo** for some ideas on the vulnerary. We had the idea for this when our older sister played Fire Emblem. She said, "Why can't Eirika use her vulnerary on Colm?" And that was it. Yeah, I believe _not_ being able to use a vulnerary on another person is _weird_ and cruel, but I understand Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. If vulneraries can be used on someone else, Serra would be useless, and then I would give Ninian all the Elixirs and I would make her "The Healing Dancer".

Note:

-This takes place on Chapter 12: Birds of A Feather.

-The Tactician Goddess is Kumiko, **kageshoujo**'s tactician in TJOFBS. Very long title.

_**Is there ANY mystery you want the Tactician Jenro to solve? Post a review now and I might just make a fic of it!**_

My first oneshot in history.


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